[first day back] [08 Sep 2005|05:15pm] [ mood | Need Food! ] [ music | At the Drive-In - Relationship of Command ] So I managed to complete the essay, leaving my first day back a pretty stressless one. Which is nice for once. It's weird to see that I'm now a second year, that there are loads of first years running round all over the place in a state of panic because they're all lost, and the college is full and buzzing. Hard to think I'm only going to be here for another 9 months; how strange.... and more than a bit scary to say the least. Matt and I had an amazing night last night. We went out for a really nice 3 course meal at an Italian restaurant, then went out for drinks and got the bus back home to watch Black Books on DVD until the early hours of the morning. It was brilliant, I really love spending time with him. So my plans for tonight are to relax and to ease my way into the workload that has superimposed itself on me since coming back to college. I wish I was a first year again, everything's so new and exciting, and there's not much pressure to get much done. It's nice to see my friends again though, they've all had pretty good summers and it's nice to have a fresh start after a summer away from them. I think we all definitely needed the break though! To do list: Catch up on environmental science coursework (4 pieces outstanding) Final Draft of Coursework for Theatre Arts Learn lines, Theatre Arts production of Antigone Maths coursework Read the rest of '1984' (I've already read it ages ago, but it's always good to refresh the ol' memory. Go to appointment with History lecturer about Extended Essay draft, get re-draft completed as soon as possible. (including abstract, contents page and index page) Complete CAS hours. Ok, so it's a lot... but it's not impossible. So long as I get my way through it slowly and carefully, I should have completed all I need to by the end of term. post comment

[the end] [02 Sep 2005|07:23pm] [ mood | PMT! ] [ music | Bikini Kill - Rebel Girl ] So the end of the Summer has nearly come. Next Wednesday (or Thursday, it is still unclear when the 2nd years are to go back). I am nearly 2000 words through the essay I was complaining about, so I haven't got much more to do before I've finished. Then again, it is only a draft, and once I've had it back, I'll have a lot more work to do. The life of a college student, eh? *Tuts* So... I feel it is about time to do a kind of summer reflection post. I've spent 8 weeks not being in college and it's time to show what I have done with such a huge amount of time. So here's the list: 19th June (before summer holidays) - Saw Green Day @ Milton Keynes 8th-10th July - NASS Festival (National Adventure Sports Show) @ Royal Bath and West Showground Seeing Matt's band play at various Barbeques Staying at Matt's house lots <3 you can tell what that entailed! A couple of romantic meals <3 Walks on the Beach Swimming at the Quarry on the moors (lush) Getting Addicted to Ebay Getting a part-time job Downloading yet more music and discovering new bands General Summer procrastinating Some creative writing Not bad for a summer that seemed to be a fairly uneventful one! And I'm glad I've kind of left it until my last week to do the college work; if I'd have been doing college work the whole time, I wouldn't have managed to get some rest. And that's what the summer is all about, isn't it? Matt's not here tonight - band practise. I have severe stomach cramps, PMT, and all I want is a cuddle. DAMNIT! 1 comment|post comment

[time is running out] [25 Aug 2005|02:14pm] [ mood | weird ] [ music | Atreyu - Suicide Notes and Butterfly Kisses ] Time is slipping away and I still manage to put off all the work I have to do to feed my addiction to the internet. Sad, isn't it? Oh well. So I'm still in a job (which is surprising as I am getting fed up with it already) but that's a good thing as it means that I'm earning money. This afternoon I am spending my time with a group of collegues that I still don't know doing "fire training". Yawn! I mean all the stuff they tell you is common sense, and yet we still have to spend an hour, two hours talking about it. It's so annoying! I suppose I can just sit there and be bored out of my skull and actually get paid for it; that's the bonus. So if I wanted to I could just switch off; and that's exactly what I am intending. I'm also working bank holiday money (eep) but that is good in a way as I am getting paid extra to do that. I am boring myself talking about work, and that's saying something. I have just completed the introduction to my 4000 word essay draft that has to be in at the beginning of term (just over a week). It comes to 291 words so far... I wish there was a silent room I could lock myself in; with just my books and my laptop. No distractions. Unfortunately, that does not seem to be entirely possible. And I have just sat staring at this screen for the last five minutes trying to think of what to say next... Smallville is such a boring programme.. 2 comments|post comment

[A Movement] Poetry by Me [22 Aug 2005|02:16pm] [ mood | good ] [ music | Freedom Hangs Like Heaven - Iron and Wine ] I made everything white so I could see the blue flames sparkle in a tender glory, Amongst the purity of disease. I made everything into gold to buy and sell as I pleased, to poison my tastebuds with the sound of metal. I took the time to realise how it all malfunctioned and began to dismantle my twisted pride and self vigour. I made everything lonely so as to multiply my populations of spawning malice and benevolence. I became and Icon for my own privacy, the violation that persues me and awakens the stark beauty within me. http://thepoisonedpen.deviantart.com post comment

Anti-Terror? [16 Aug 2005|08:50pm] [ mood | angry ] [ music | Feeling Oblivion - Turin Brakes ] So documents have recently been leaked to show that the Brasilian shot at Stockwell tube station did not run away from the police, was not warned by police and was not positively identified by police before being shot. De Menezes did not "vault the ticket barriers", but passed through using his ticket, calmly and not aware of the police stalking him. The wonderful cover up, finally leaked. "He ran" they say, "we were positive it was him", they say, "he may have set off a bomb at any time. Really? The guy was wearing a denim jacket, it was clear he had no bomb on him at the time. So did he fall or was he pushed to the ground before they loaded 8 bullets into his head? The fall seems ever more dubious. So what is going to be done? Are the people involved to be charged with murder (because this is no horrible mistake now; this is murder)? Well, it doesn't seem likely... and why? Well, we have entered into the realm of anti-terrorism laws now, which allow for shoot to kill policies, which allow for the police to get away (literally) with murder. What kind of world are we living in when the forced implemented for anti-terror purposes are causing the terror itself? Nothing is going to get done unless the anti-terrorists stop being the terrorists themselves. Nothing is going to be resolved unless the people involved pay for what they have done, in a court of law. And nothing is going to get done unless we wake up to this "shoot to kill" policy, the dozens of arrests made in order to hold people without reason and utter paranoia that has caused all this. post comment

[hot and sunny] [12 Aug 2005|02:33pm] [ mood | bouncy ] [ music | Rancid - Time Bomb ] Yes it's absolutely boiling here for a change. My boyfriend's band have just secured their first gig at a mate's barbeque, so I guess I'll have to play groupie today and stir up the "crowd". Cameras at the ready!! I'm really glad they have managed to get something/somewhere to play. I mean, it may only be a barbeque with abut 20+ people, but at least people will get to hear them then, maybe spread the word. I'm really looking forward to see how they get on... and it's such an informal thing anyway that it doesn't matter if they stuff up. So it should be a laugh. You should the the look on Matt's face at the moment though; he's shitting himself! Over and Out. 4 comments|post comment

[lazin' on a sunny afternoon...] [08 Aug 2005|09:39pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Send More Paramedics - Zombie Crew ] Spent the day in St. Ives today; really pretty place with a cool art gallery. They have some amazing sculptures in there at the moment. I wish I had the abilities to be an artist but that is HIGHLY unlikely. My version of art is drawing stick people in a cack handed manner. I have never been very good at anything like drawing or painting. Wish I was, but I suppose that in a way it makes me appreciate what I see so much more, the fact that I cannot create that kind of visual art myself. Sunday was spent with Matt in another pretty place called Mevagissey. I love spending time out with Matt exploring places, it's always great to be with him and him alone that it is when we are out when we can really do that. I mean, there are always parents somewhere around whenever we stay at each other's houses, so it is almost like our form of escapism. I suppose escapism is what I like to do best. I never really like to have to face reality, I avoid it where possible. My emotions, on the other hand, are extremely real. I suppose that's what bridges the gap between reality and absurdity; emotion. Emotions are such real and yet absurd things, abstract forms and yet we name them as if they are objects. Maybe they can be made into objects, as in the object of my Love is Matt, as I love him and the obeject of fear for me are is great heights. And not everyone has the same "objects of emotion", so that proves the fact that emotion is such a highly personal thing. That emotions, in degrees, functions and objects are individual to that one person, and they use their emotions to a way that suits them. But not everyone can control their own emotions, and emotions, although personal, can be manipulated by other people. Some people, however unable they are to control their own emotions, can somehow manage to manipulate others. Strange, how something so abstract, someone you cannot see or touch, can do such a thing to people, can drive people crazy.... So that is why emotion is so real and yet so absurd at the same time. It's one of the only things I can think of that can do both. 1 comment|post comment

[withdrawal symtoms] [05 Aug 2005|07:41pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | The Even - Sara Lee ] I have never felt so low. Never. I feel like I'm completely enclosed unless I go outside to go to work. I have seen him once this week and I get the feeling it's not bothering him as much as it bothers me. Maybe it does and he's deciding not to show hit (which I don't blame him for at all). But all I want to do is see him a few times, but it seems like so many other things are taking priority at the moment. I feel like I am at the bottom of some impossibly high ladder, and I can't tackle it because of the vertigo. I just want to burst into a flaming ball of tears and anger, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I feel empty without him. I just want to be lying next to him. I just want to feel at peace. But all that exists is chaos. Oh fuck... post comment

[superglued to the keyboard] [04 Aug 2005|08:46pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | 65daysofstatic - The Fall of Math ] Feeling utterly bored. I really should start doing something creative with my days before I go back to college in September. This is getting ridiculous. I have no idea where the days keep going, but hours get whittled away before I have the chance to do something with them. And to do something worthwhile I need money to get out of this place. I will praise the day when I check the balance of my bank account and find money there. Then I can actually do something other than sitting here on my arse frozen to this laptop eating endless amounts of chocolate. If someone has a life, it would be much appreciated if they donated it to me. Because my life is completely non-existent. post comment

[another day crossed off the calendar...] [03 Aug 2005|09:51pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Circle Jerks - I just want some skank ] Today has been spent largely doing one thing: sweet fuck all. I can't believe I tend to just fritter away the hours either on the internet or sleeping. Matt, being the wonderfully active person that he is, managed to take me out this evening to teach me some more bike riding. And yes, before you ask, I can't ride a bike. I've never really had a bike so I've never been able to ride one. So, here I am, at 17, at the bottom of a supermarket carpark, with my boyfriend teaching me to ride. It's only been my second time out but I think I'm getting the hang of it, and really looking forward to achieving a thing that many did when they were 7... So I think it's an early night for me after all that strenuous exercise (something I tend to be highly allergic to) and my second ever shift of work tomorrow. I'm still in the nervous period, but after this week I should be feeling a little more confident. Oh, the life of a student working on a Somerfield checkout; what larks, eh? post comment

[an act] [02 Aug 2005|10:36pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | Slint: Spiderland ] I'm feeling a little strange this evening and I'm not quite sure how to describe it. Moved, I suppose that could be the right word for it. I have just finished reading a book called "The Handmaid's Tale" by Margaret Atwood. If you don't know the storyline, it's very complicated, but it is set in a futuristic America and in the style of 1984. It follows the story of a Handmaid (a woman whose only purpose is to breed) and the experiences and people she encounters under such a repressive regime. If she fails to produce a baby for the family she is living with, she is either hung or sent to distant colonies, most likely to die of radiation sickness. I think the reason I feel so moved is that this book has made me realise something, or consider something in further depth an element of human life that I've realised before. In this book, the utilitarian nature of sex as purely for breeding is essential, and all forms of sexual desire are banned. This causes the protagonist to wish for love, sexual desires and to be held in someone's arms, rather than just the ritualistic breeding she is made to undergo. This has really hit home to me how important such needs are, needs for affection, the need to have someone to hold you. It's affirmed my belief that love-making is such a special act, and when it is with someone you love it takes the form of the human relationship onto a much higher level. Being in a long-term relationship with someone, of course it means I feel moved, it forces me to recal the infinite memories of past embraces with this person, and the many ones in the future to come. It's made me realise I never want to be in a situation similar to one of a Handmaid (although something exactly like that is highly unlikely, it could be true on a smaller scale). Love is such a special thing, and I never want to lose it. I love you, Matt. post comment

[a day of training and endless paperwork] [01 Aug 2005|08:58pm] [ mood | nervous ] [ music | At the Drive-in: Relationship of Command ] Today I had to drag myself away from the confines of my room (comfort zone) and try to stop being an anti-social bastard for three seconds. Reason? I am starting a job on the checkouts at a local supermarket (don't laugh) and I had my induction today. The title of my journal alludes to what we mainly had to do at this so-called "induction". It mainly involved signing various pieces of paper, getting a tour of the store and watching a training video about health and safety. Marvelous fun it was... So, armed with locker key, name badge and oh-so-sexy uniform, I start my first shift tomorrow at 9.30. That's another hurdle of nervousness to get over; the interview and induction now hurdles already jumped. I shall spend tonight lying in bed ridden with anxiety and come tomorrow, I will realise it won't all be so bad (I hope..). At least I'll actually have a job now, and actually have a source of income as it were. MONEY! I'm desperate for it... 2 comments|post comment

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ]